Communication Tools for Couples in Conflict
There are bound to be conflicts that arise in any relationship, no matter how happy you are with your partner. Many people don’t learn how to engage in conflict in a healthy and respectful way, so it leaves you feeling disconnected in your relationship. Learning and practicing communication tools can help you feel more seen, heard, and respected. It's not about avoiding conflicts, but how you manage them that makes all the difference. Let’s explore some of the best communication tools for couples to manage conflict:
1. Active Listening
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” - Stephen Covey. Take turns explaining each of your perspectives about an issue. When your partner is speaking, fully concentrate on what they are saying and try to understand their perspective. Avoid interrupting or assuming what they mean. Ask questions to clarify their points. And before you switch roles, make sure you can summarize how they are feeling- repeat in back to them how you heard it. After all of that, switch roles and become the speaker.
2. Focus on YOUR Feelings and Experience While Speaking
Criticizing your partner will only cause them to become defensive and escalate the conflict. Rather than using accusatory language, try focusing on your experience by using "I" statements to express how a particular situation made you feel. For instance, instead of saying "You always make me angry," say "I feel angry when you ___." This will allow your partner to understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
3. Take Breaks
Taking a break can give you time to cool off and come back with a fresh perspective. When you realize that your nervous system is responding (heart beat is faster, breathing is harder, fists are clenched, voice is raised, etc), your prefrontal cortex has gone offline- this means that you don’t have access to the part of your brain that can problem-solve and think clearly. Say to your partner, “I need to take a break. Let’s talk about this in an hour or two. I love you.” When you come back, continue the conversation with a level head.
4. Offer and Respond to Repair Attempts
During a conflict discussion, you can lighten the mood and remind your partner that you are a team by offering repair attempts. This can be as simple as acknowledging that you understand them or taking accountability for your role in the conflict: “I can see how you would feel that way,” or “I’m sorry that I ignored you.” Depending on who you are as a couple, you might use humor or physical touch to communicate to your partner that everything is going to be okay. When your partner offers a repair attempt, try to acknowledge it.
5. Seek Outside Help
Sometimes, no matter how much you try to communicate, conflicts can be difficult to manage. Seeking the help of a professional therapist can be beneficial. A therapist can provide an unbiased perspective, help you and your partner understand each other's needs better, and offer communication strategies and feedback to manage conflicts effectively.
